I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
