Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
