She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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