why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
