just tell him i said nine months
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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