Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
