I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
