I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
