He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
