im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
