why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
