we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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