Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
