If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
