Are we in a gay sports bar?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
