I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
