my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
