Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
