apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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