Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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