I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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