My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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