i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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