I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
