I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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