If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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