Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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