You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
