I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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