I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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