I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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