did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
