On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
