Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
