If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
