Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize