Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
