i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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