The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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