So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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