I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize