It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
