theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize