Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
