ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize