Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
