Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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