shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
