Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
