My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
