I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
