the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
