peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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