Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
