I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I will be naked everywhere
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
