I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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