Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I could fuck to npr.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
