He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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