You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize