Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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