she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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