Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
