chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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