Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
