I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
