she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize