Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
